Clive Tyldesley
Clive "That Night In Barcelona" Tyldesley is a sports commentator who, from 1998, has been the main commentator for veritable shitfest ITV. He is no where near as good as Barry Davies, the only likeable commentator ever. He is however, much less annoying that John Motson, who has been known to spazz his pants when Rooney touches the ball. While his annoying brand of over emphasized smuggery is often too much to bear, Tyldesley's voice is often as refreshing as a mountain stream. This is due to former co-commentators Ron Atkinson and David Pleat behaving like burst silage pipes. Tyldesley learned the hard way. He once allowed David Pleat's frazzled brain over 70 attempts to say Diniyar Bilyaletdinov in a Lokomotiv Moscow Champions League match (versus Arsenal in 2003/4), missing three goals in the process. Since then Tydesley frequently continues commentary as Pleat vocalises Parkinson's in the background. His most recent moment of glory came in England's victory over Croatia at Wembley, describing a clash between Aaron Lennon and the opposing right-back with a catchphrase from popular teen comedy The Inbetweeners, namely "Feisty one you are!" Every game, Clive will refer to a ball being played into the box as being "tossed in." It is unclear why he is the only commentator to do this. Why Not? On the 20th June 2006, Joe Cole hit a spectacular half volley against Sweden. Clive, using his powers of foresight, cleverly ascertained that the ball might go in from 35 yards and exclaimed 'why not?'. He then shouted 'WHY NOT!' to reinforce just how prescient he had just been. Since that game he has said 'why not' on an average of 123.5 times per game. Every time a foot is pulled back from over 20 yards he reels out this question like a polite tourettes sufferer. Tyldesley pays no attention to the striker of the ball, the distance or angle from which the shot is struck, the position of the goalkeeper or even to local atmospheric conditions (as a good commentator like Barry Davies would). He does this out of desperation to re-live that glorious moment, paying no attention to its grating effect on the listener. Other Sports Added Clive is at the forefront of commentators who use horrible clichés from other non-footballing sports, to the disgruntlement of many viewers. A crowded penalty box is often referred to using the F1 inspired 'traffic', whereas a deep lying midfielder who sprays passes (e.g. Xabi Alonso or Tom Huddlestone) is irritatingly labelled a 'Quarterback'. In its most ludicrous form an over-hit long-ball is often compared to the use of the wrong golf club. "He's used a three wood there. Clearly, he should have got the five iron out." In this example the mental processes a footballers brain goes through in a microsecond is likened to a golf bag, his foot a variable club. No-one knows why this is funny or relevant. This kind of terminology is widely and rightly hated. A team that is having to defend for any sustained pressure is referred to as 'like a boxer on the ropes, just waiting for the bell to ring' Oxen It is also said that Clive Tyldesley is a professional Oxen wrestler, though no-one ever trusts Wikipedia. Category:Commentators